Vroom vroom, the car engine is roaring like a lion, and then the trip starts. We are driving on the highwa weeeeee. We are in the forest now. I have a feeling this isn’t going to work out. I thought we were going to die then. We went over the side of the highway. Look out for the trees. BAM!
What was that I said. We got out and saw … a pair of legs in front of us. We drove away and it followed us to the lake. He scared my life out but then he gave us some apples.
Connor
Hi Connor,
I love the snappy, excited, ‘no-time-to-lose’ tone of your story – it really ramps up the action and tension, and perfectly encapsulates the suddenness of a car crash. Your use of onomatopoeia is captivating, as is your use of present tense (although your tenses in general could be a little more consistent). There is a real anticipation to the story and you keep your reader’s attention the whole way. My only other suggestion would be to reread your work for clarity, as the “pair of legs” becomes a “he” in a slightly confusing way. Apart from that, I think this is great stuff, and you have one of the most distinctive narrative voices I have come across – hold onto that!
Well done!
All best,
Elise (Team 100) – Coventry 🙂